| shit |
[May 13 2009 | 01:42 PM] |
i don't know why it's hitting me harder and harder, but i feel scared, now. i cry now, because i'm scared, and not because i'm sad.
dylan emailed me a few days before i was coming home, and told me he would like to pick me up from the airport.
when he picked me up, i felt strange. i couldn't look him in the eye the whole time we hung out. i didn't know what he wanted from this. he picked me up, but was he going to take me home? he did he expect dotty to pick me up from his house? did he expect me to assume we were just going to hang out? i wish he would be more direct.
i had major jet lag and kind of fell asleep on his bed. he lied on the bed next to me and when i opened my eyes, he was looking at me. we held hands or something. i don't know.
it hasn't happened in a while, but i wake up with this heavy heart. i wake up scared and wanting nothing. i came across this poem about love and i couldn't read it without my heart beating irregularly, because i was scared. i hate that i keep talking about this, but it's such a strange feeling to be scared like this. is this normal? my life was literally dylan for a year. it's not that he was all i cared about, but we pretty much saw each other everyday because we were in the same program/class, and then accidentally lived with each other. and since olympia is so small, we got to see each other all the time. i don't know. one of his reasons for moving back to california was because of me. it just seems weird that we were so close and so serious, and in love. how do things end so quickly?
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[May 07 2009 | 01:14 AM] |
he tells me to drink me coffee in the early morning, to smoke cigarettes in the pitch black dark, and to sleep on my side, with my hands in a prayer position, pressed between my thighs.
i asked him, "why? what will doing these things achieve?"
"i just like seeing you do simple things in natural light. i hate it when you smoke cigarettes, but i like how the glow subtly illuminates your face when you inhale, and that's my favorite position to hold you in."
i've been dreaming about our acid trip. the one in march where i realized i loved you and was in love with you. i woke up crying, once. i've had 3 dreams about that trip, already. i also keep having dreams in which we're just friends, now, but you hold my hand and it's a super significant event and i am so happy and it feels like everything's new again. i also woke up crying after one of those hand holding dreams.
i don't know how you changed so much. you were so amazing in the beginning. i thought you were just that kind of person. what happened to you being so encouraging? what happened to you being what i adored you for? you got sad when i wouldn't look at you. you wouldn't talk to anyone when i mentioned going to school in taiwan. you cried when i came out to talk to you after a fight. all those things made me melt. what the fuck happened to you? i can't fall out of love just like that. or maybe it's just me. maybe i just wasn't enough for you anymore, though i know i didn't change like you did. i know there's no use wondering these things. i'm not wishing for anything. and i don't want to be with you. these are just the things i've been thinking about for the past 3 weeks since i broke up with you. i guess i really wasn't ready. it would've been different if i broke up with you because i had to, or because i didn't love you, anymore. i broke up with you because you didn't appreciate me. you didn't like me as much, anymore. i broke up with you because i didn't think it fair that i truly did love you, and it felt dumb to love someone who didn't reciprocate the feeling. god. how did you turn into such an ASSHOLE? it's really incredible. i can't believe you're the same person. i really can't. it makes me cringe, thinking about how much i tried to make you happier, because you were such an indifferent asshole. i mean, you weren't an asshole to me. you were an asshole, in general.
it's weird writing this, but it feels better. it sounds so dumb and regular and expected. but i guess this is a normal. it's just been really hard being here in taiwan, because i'm still crying all the time, but i don't want my family to see. i'm around them all the time and i just don't want to explain or hurt or burden them. i don't want them to think i'm lame or weak, because i already know it. what i really want is to stop thinking about it. i want to stop being in love with dylan (i know it won't happen soon, though). i want to be content for now. i want to be able to sleep and to have an appetite. i realllly want to stop having these weeping spells, because it's getting tiring, embarrassing and stupid.
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| seriously? |
[May 06 2009 | 07:02 AM] |
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are you TRYING to break my heart?
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[May 05 2009 | 07:48 AM] |
3 weeks later
in a foreign place
15 hours ahead of you
just as twilight is about to hit
thinking i had already gotten over you
i caught myself spelling your name over and over in my head
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[April 21 2009 | 03:03 PM] |
shortly before i came back to california, ben told me he was in love with me and that i was perfect. though he is naive, i appreciated it so much. apparently, he knew i was "it" the first time he talked to me, which might've been the first day of class. also, he told grant he wanted to beat dylan up whenever i saw him because he didn't deserve me. he's so god damn sweet and i wish i was in love with him. he told me he was going insane thinking about me constantly and that's what i want. i know it's bad, but i want boys to be infatuated and obsessed and head over heels.
on the plane here, i was catching up on my journal writing and as i was writing about dylan, i started crying. i tried really hard to hide it, but my mom saw. i hadn't cried about dylan in about 3 days, but writing it all in my journal brought it back. my mom knew it was dylan and hugged me. this is the first time i've cried about a boy to my mom. it felt so natural.
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| precious concubine gets drunk |
[April 21 2009 | 01:44 PM] |
it's 4:50 in the morning here in taiwan and i haven't slept, really. i fell asleep at around 12, but was having a dream and in the dream, dotty was tapping my arm a lot and it started to hurt. that's when i woke up and was confused about were i was. when i remembered, i got up and sat on the couch. it was only 2 am. i was frightened, for some reason, because i woke up with a pained arm. i sat around and watched taiwanese music videos for a while and then dotty woke up and we walked to the 7-11 to get some late night snacks.
i forgot where i was going with that. i really can't sleep well, lately, though. in the past 3 weeks, i've only slept 3-5 hours a night. i'm unable to nap. i'm just too awake once it turns day. i want desperately to go to the store again and buy a pint of whiskey. it's about 200 taiwan dollars, which is roughly 6 us dollars. but that's a bad idea, since my parents will probably be up in about 2 hours.
a few nights before i left, i went to the japanther show in la with dotty and dylan met up with us. we broke up, but we still hang out and are actually good friends. it's not awkward. sometimes, we still sleep in the same bed and i'll wake up with his arm around me. i want to keep it there, but i know it only makes me sadder. so at the show, i ended up getting so drunk that i blacked out. first off, i didn't feel like i had had that much to drink. and i've only ever blacked out one other time. it was confusing to everyone how drunk i got, because it was unexpected. i vaguely remember things like talking to this girl that used to be in mika miko in the bathroom line. she was wearing a poncho. and then it was the end of the night and i was sitting outside at the smoking area, puking into a potted plant and the guy next to me was keeping me company. i found out the next day that i made out with some guy and i'm so ashamed. i don't remember at all. i'm not even the type to do that. i don't give a shit about making out. i'm not sexual and i don't like hooking up and fuuuuck. my heart dropped when both rhett and dotty confirmed it. i also found out that dylan left early because of that. i don't remember, but dotty told me that while i was puking, i asked her where he was and she called him. when she asked him, he said "isabelle was making out with some other guy." first off, he broke my heart. he was the one who was barely reciprocating. so why would he refer to him as some other guy? apparently, i was also saying things in the background, while puking, such as "dick face" and "butt head." oh god. the thing is, i still love dylan. even though i broke up with him, i felt like i still liked him. but it didn't seem like he took it as hard as me. grant told me that dylan had told him that it just hadn't hit him yet and that when i left, and when he realized, he'd probably be a wreck. but i've realized that he's not... man enough for me? not as in manly, but he's not chivalrous. he's not that big of a gentleman. he's not considerate enough or willing enough.
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[March 02 2009 | 08:40 AM] |
i've barely eaten anything in 4 days because my wisdom tooth is growing in and it's unbearably painful. i also have a huge canker sore on my lips and a sore throat, so that's also a hindrance. i tried eating some penne pasta in tomato sauce. i cut up the pasta into tiny pieces so i didn't have to chew them as much and so i was able to get them into my mouth easier without touching my canker sore. it didn't work well, at all. whenever i swallow, a pains shoots from where my wisdom tooth is growing in.
the thing is, i forget about food, lately. it's as if the pain has sent a signal to my head that eating isn't really an option, and so i don't think about it as much. i realize the weakness that my not eating has been causing and that's been the most annoying. i can't even drink coffee to wake myself up in the morning for work.
i hate mouth pains.
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| do you know what happened? |
[February 23 2009 | 11:01 PM] |
dylan moved out, finally.
i've been working more hours at the child care center. it's deadening and heartwarming at the same time.
it's getting harder to talk to people, again. i find myself much more awkward than how i used to be. i'm so worried about being polite and considerate and appreciative that i feel like i come off as dim or very aloof.
today, during my break, i picked up one of those chicken soup for the soul books that are in the break room. there was a story about this man who was getting a divorce and his 11 year old daughter who made a heart out of playdoh for him and wrote him a poem and i cried like i do, though the story was cheesey as hell and not even very good or cute.
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